Love Sick

Friday morning has brought some penetrating insights into my love life.

As far back as I can remember, I have been in love. With someone or something. Always looking for an object to get devoted to - a hobby or an activity. Always escaping into the fairyland where my shining prince charming would come on a handsome horse dressed in all white and rescue me, the eternal damsel in distress. But I never did. Never succeeded in actually committing to something serious or love someone completely, fully. I was always holding back. Never being able to trust anyone or anything. Also there never was any happily ever-after in my dreams. The prince would come and ....it always became a blur and I felt even more miserable. I never understood that. Why can't I be happy even in my dream love story? Don't get me wrong, there was always plenty of romance. Strong passions, gentle touches, melting kisses,...a lot of sensual stuff. But it rarely culminated in the ultimate pleasure. The big O I mean or anywhere close to that. It mostly stayed superficial. At the first case, if you will.
Why?? I always wondered. What is stopping me from getting there mentally. Am I not mature enough? What do I need to do to get there? It was like a big black box.
A flash of revelation came this morning. You know how it is, you hear some words regularly, you utter them but they remains dead words. Yeah yeah, true love, yeah yeah the sense of complete absorption or yeah yeah, misplaced feelings, yeah yeah, attention seeker..whatever.
And a day comes when the same words start glowing with a force of light. They actually start communicating to you. Revealing their secrets. Dancing around you, letting you touch and feel them. It happened to me today. "Love" had become my addiction. Not just romantic love but any love. Love for my friends, love for my family, love for my guru, love for...anything and everything. The "high" of feeling of love makes me forget my surroundings, my reality. I feel euphoric. Add to that some spice of romance or the sugar of spirituality and you are on cloud 9. I can stay there however long I want. Or so I thought. But slowly the feeling of unease starts creeping in from the back door. This is not it. I can't believe it - but this too is really not it.

What is it then? What is the damn thing that has been evading me all my life?

The answer is right there. Right inside of me, right in front of me, all over me. I am too busy distracting myself with love to look at it. Rather, I am getting myself Love Sick so that I don't have to really see it.

Why? Why would I do such a thing??



1) I am lazy. 2) I am afraid.

Yes, I know what I want to do and what will make me happy. Who else is going to know it better than me? But I am too lazy to actually do it. Because it requires work, a lots and lots of hard work. Patience, perseverance and self-whipping. I am afraid. I am afraid that it will break me, it will disappoint me. When I was little,everytime I wanted something and didn't get that, it created a small hole in me. Lots of small holes over year turned me into a sieve where nothing could stay in for too long. A weak, mostly useless drainer. These the disappoitnemts I experienced as kids and your adults on many fronts - mostly emotional and mental because people around you weren't always sensitive enough converted into insecurities, feelings of inadequacy or incompleteness. I am incomplete because I didn't get that red dress in 6th grade. My parents didn't love me enough. anyway. So basically I am scared to take the steps that will make me happy because I have hardly done it before. I worry about how? what? when? where? What I am most scared of is my own expectations from the results. I am putting too much pressure on myself to get it absolutely right. To not fail whereas there IS NO right. anyway. So I am lazy and I am afraid. I expect that someone else will come in and transform me from this heavy burdened maid to a beautiful elegant princess. But it is never going to happen. For no prince will ever come for me if I am not already a princess. You see what I am saying?

Paulo Coelho says that people kill the thing they love the most because they are afraid to be happy, they think that I don't deserve it. Everyone around me is unhappy so how can I be happy?

So I guess, unless I cure myself of this love sickness, I will not be able to get my act together and really feel and experience the true love.

Ironically, I did experience the true love that shook me to my core.. and you know what I did?

I ran away from it. I ran away from it as fast as I could.

That was the right thing to do. I need to cure my love sickness before I can truly love.