This was my Love Horoscope today: "The current aspect at play promises both action and depth of feeling, but not both at the same time. You will enjoy the action part, but when it comes to sharing your feelings, there could be some ambivalence. You dislike this kind of scenario, because it has the potential to make you feel trapped into something that you are still uncertain about. Perhaps it's time to grow up."
Action and depth of feeling, but not both at the same time. It seems to be a recurring theme of my life.
Action is, well, action. All of it from start to end. Walk by the beach, dinner and movie, gift and surprises, endless talks, kisses and hugs, passionate love-making. Marriage, kids. Depth of meaning, I don't quite know how to describe it but we all know what it is. Deep understanding. Of each other, of the world, of us in relation to the world, of world in relation to us. Understanding of me and you. Understanding of you and me. Understanding of Love. True Love.*
Love is also quantitative in a way. You can measure its length (L), breadth (B) and depth (D). Length by time of involvement and breadth by range of activities and emotions. Success of your relationship is defined by these. More length and breadth your love relationship has, more perfect it is. ...But Depth is a whole different dimension. It wipes out length and breadth. Depth can be felt in few minutes and even when there is no possibility of breadth, it remains. Depth always remains as long as you don't screw it up by forcibly trying to add on L/B.
So, to combine above two terminologies: Action corresponds to L/B; Depth of feeling/Understanding corresponds to D.
Ideal relationship would have both - action and depth of meaning, i.e. LBD. Jisme se ruh tak style!**
But, action and depth of feeling are yet to match in my life. Whenever there was action with L/B, D was missing. D happened a few times but got screwed up by me/us trying to force L/B to it. It was just not meant to be. Just a few days ago I met someone. The moment we looked into each others eyes, we knew. We knew it was going to be a short-lived love-story. And so it was. ***
So, what I am trying to say is that the action in my life is very attractive to the spontaneous explorer in me and although it will probably stay that way as long as I live, something else is arising from inside of me which is much stronger. The search for meaning, the search for understanding. Although it is ruining all the fun, I don't mind it. In fact, I am finding it irresistible and will likely marry it.
* PolyamorousPoet on twitter says it with all the passion and devotion:
- When you love you start to hallucinate about distances and ideas.
- Loving yourself is a myth, it is impossible to love yourself, you can only love your beloved, you can only give yourself away.
- To love is to hand over the self to the powers within the finest grains of the self.
- When you love there is nothing that you can do but wait and wait for your beloved to make an appearance.
Follow him!
** Jisme se ruha tak = from body to soul
*** Was it just an infatuation? It was part of it, most certainly. But when it hits you at the soul level like this, you have two options - do you want to keep it there as a burning flame or do you want to apply it as a soothing balm? Keeping it alive requires fuel and causes soot. But feels warm and looks breathtakingly beautiful. Applying it as a balm requires nothing and it heals. Also makes you smile when you think of it.
