Love Quiz

Yet another smart psychologist named Elaine Hatfield talks about two basic types of romantic love  -Compassionate Love vs Passionate Love*. It is very much in line with my earlier explorations of psychology of love (Missing In Action), albeit clearer. According to her, while compassionate love is characterized by mutual respect, attachment and trust, passionate love is characterized by intense emotions, sexual attraction and anxiety. She says three factors influence love - timing (being ready or not), early attachment styles (emotional security in life through previous romances and other relationships) and similarity (to ourselves - personality, style of living etc). She further suggests that passionate love is transitory and compassionate love is more enduring. Intimacy or affection, of course is always there in any type of love. Third type of love, consummate love is a combination of passion and commitment; strongest, most enduring and rare (LB+D).

I must say, I am blown away by the neatness and clarity of thoughts here.

So going back to my story. 

My existence is marked by the seesaw of emotions around romance - desperate longings (of soul) and desperate fears (of mind). Any of them can easily put my nervous system into top gear and get it roaring. Obviously in very different ways (panic is one of my least favourites)!!  Balancing that seesaw is not easy because it is - Me vs Me. And there is really only way to do it. To get close to the center as much as possible.

Passionate love has fulfilled the longings of my soul, no doubt! but almost always it was followed by anxieties and despair, and changed my life path completely.  It reminds me of one of the most sensible Coelho quote: "Yes, perhaps love really could transform someone, but despair did the job more quickly."** Despair is one of  the most important of human emotions (I would rank it just below love). In whatever the situation (relationships, career, health), when despair enters, it creates this sense of urgency. As if we are losing the sand beneath our feet and we end up taking decisions thoughtlessly and in haste. Sometimes good, most times bad. In either case, nerve-wrecking. So, these days (which are filled with anxiety and intensity), I try to ask myself this question before every action - Why am I doing this? In particular, am I doing this out of despair? Or do I really want it? Anyway.  If you are thinking, ' Aha P, you have got it all under control.', think again.

So, here is the Love Quiz.

Q1. Have you seen passionate love blossom into compassionate love? i.e. do fairy tales come true?

Q2. I think despair cannot always be a bad thing because it propels you into action, to change the status quo that is no longer working. Aye or Nay?

Q3. (For extra credit) Will you go for passionate love or compassionate love?  Why or Why not? Please answer it honestly irrespective of your current marital status :-D




*http://psychology.about.com/od/loveandattraction/a/theoriesoflove.htm
http://psychology.about.com/od/loveandattraction/a/compassionate.htm

**"Despite her apparent freedom, her life consisted of endless hours spent waiting for a miracle, for true love, for an adventure with the same romantic ending she had seen in films and read about in books.  A writer once said that it is not time that changes a man, nor knowledge; the only thing that can change someone’s mind is love.  What nonsense!  The person who wrote that clearly knew only one side of the coin.  Love was undoubtedly one of the things capable of changing a person’s whole life, from one moment to the next.  But there was the other side of the coin, the second thing that could make a human being take a totally different course from the one he or she had planned; and that was called despair.  Yes, perhaps love really could transform someone, but despair did the job more quickly.” 

I feel that every woman should read 11 Minutes by Paulo Coelho (free online). Although it has mixed reviews for various reasons (and I agree, shoddy story), it is a powerful attempt at exploring desire, sex and spiritual union. I love Maria for her strength and honesty.

Jupiter represents spiritual and emotional creativity of Divine Wisdom. The Lila (the play) - acting, emoting, imagining. It creates polarities and makes them play. The plays of hope, love, anguish, seduction, separation and finally the union.

You have already played all the parts, put on various costumes, enjoyed being a thief, a peasant, a princess, a king, a seductress and all that.

You are the Director now. A successful one, who has been directing many hit shows. All the while dreaming up a grand role, creating the ultimate production which has it all - love, lust, name, fame, relationships, hardships, successes, failures, the fire, the wind, the romance, the tinge of melancholy, boredom, loneliness, enthusiasm, loneliness hidden under enthusiasm, humor, longing, desire, extravagant costumes and sets, and the most outrageous characters of all - from kings to monks. You have put in all that you had into it. Your blood, your life, your love, your passion. You gave it your best, you gave it your all and now your job is done. The grand finale is up. You are watching it from your chair. A perfection reached in every single detail. Moments unfolding one after the other. You are sitting and enjoying, not interfering.

Now, for how long can this playing go on without the creative urge transforming into insanities of life?
You are so engrossed watching the perfection you created that You forget that it is all a drama.

It is funny! Ridiculously funny.

Scenario 1:
You just forget that it is a play and you fall in love with one of the characters in it. For real. And you fall hard - head over heels and all that. Your heart pining, seeing Her everywhere etc etc.
Now are you miserable. You want Him/Her. You cannot live, you cannot die. You are just suffering, going insane. Running wild here and there. Conspiring ways to win Her. At any cost, you want Her.

Scenario 2:
You just forget that it is a play and you become afraid. You are scared to death of one of the characters in it. For real. You think He is after you, he wants to kill you.
Now are you miserable. You are just petrified, going insane. Hiding here and there. You want Him/Her to go away and leave you alone.

...so on.


hahahahaha. Ludicrous! Absurd! Wicked!

Why are You miserable? Why are you running, hiding, crying and emoting again?
Remember. You are the Director and this is your Ultimate Show. Everything In It Is Perfect Because It Is Your Very Best Creation!

Retract. Recollect. Detach. Chill. 

This is your last creation. When the show ends, the Director ends. The tremors and the applauds end. The polarities end.

Only the Silence remains, the Love remains.