Closing the loop..

Relationships. We need to close the loop on this one.

Last time I was here, I had just begun to listen myself and to see myself honestly. I was learning to be okay with all the discomfort and unpleasantness that came with it. In spite of trying EVERYTHING in my capacity, I was feeling helpless and hopeless. The pride of "I can handle anything" or "I am always more-than-ok because I am above petty grievances of life" was shattered. Apparently, I was not above them!

Sometimes life throws things at you prematurely, and you are faced with situations that you are not ready for. They are messy. And one day you find yourself in a place which is remote and hostile -- or so it appears. But you are too afraid to look around; you overlook the familiar faces and comforting things that are there for you. If you can take a step back and look around, the fear will diminish and you will be able to deal with that situation more maturely.

In most cases, this doesn't happen.

If you you are a person like me, you follow your natural instinct - act first according to your best judgement at that time, and think later. This is not the bestest strategy but you will be surprised at how often it works :)

However, there is a thin line between bravery and stupidity. Courage is foolish when used involuntarily. I learned it the hard way.

However, life has become simpler since then.  I am trying to apply: Think first, act later to everything. As in, listen to my own feelings and think about the consequences of my words/actions BEFOREHAND. I know for some of you, this is a very natural modus operandi but it took me 30 something years to get it. Amazing!!

It also involves thinking about myself first* and not giving into the numerous outside demands on my time and feelings. And to watch out for the impulsive, pleasure/thrill-seeker in me who is always lurking behind...

====================

As for the desire to have a whirlwind, passionate, romantic relationship (the LBD kind), I am over it. Yes, absolutely over it.

Don't get me wrong. I still believe that a meanginful and soulful relationship exists. But it does not come readymade in a glossy red package delivered to you on the Valentines' day. In fact, watch out more carefully if you see one getting delivered to you while in your 30s. A real relationship in the thirties needs a lot of work. Because by then, you are probably carrying a lot of baggage from your previous relationships (sometimes even one-sided). Remember I asked you about "trust" earlier? It is one of the standard carry-ons! There are many others like sex, in-laws, i-am-not-attractive, he-is-going-to-leave-me, i-cannot-commit and hundreds more..

It doesn't matter what the issue is. The important thing is to identify it and get a closure on it. That doesn't mean you are over it. In many cases, the hurt is so much that you will never be able to fully get over it. What you want is to identify the triggers and stay away from situations where those triggers exist. That is, manage the issue well. Find a person who will help you with this. You, in turn, help him with his issues. While doing this, don't forget to slip in how much you love those red roses, pink cards and heart-shaped chocolates .. :)

This is a kind of relationship that ripens well with age i.e. with L and B, D develops!

Ok, I am not not going to lie. A part of me, the lurking pink thrill-seeker, is totally mocking my words here but I am not listening to it..



* I found some pretty good articles on having a healthy relationship with yourself. Worth checking out:  http://shine.yahoo.com/better-relationship-yourself-175600301.html

http://rachelrabbitwhite.com/being-in-a-relationship-with-yourself/

** http://saltdoll-in-ocean1.blogspot.com/2011/05/missing-in-action.html
L=length, B=breadth, D = depth

Finding myself..

(Warning: Introspective content!)

Last time when I talked to you about the 'quest for understanding relationships', I left it at this:

you just need to find yourself and then you will figure out everything else..

It was over 6 months ago. The doors of my heart were tightly closed then, and my head was full of fog.  Unbreakable and impenetrable.  However, instead of realizing the gravity of situation and being patient about it, I went about it in my then-classic red-blooded* way. With straight head, I walked into the fog. With warm fist, I started pounding on the door incessantly.

Result?

You don't need a very creative mind to guess.

I broke down and fell flat on my face. I lost the ground beneath completely and started drowning in the fog. It was frightening. I tried to fight it with all my might. But soon, I realized that it was something way beyond my power. There was no way I could take it on by myself. I was in it and that was it. Helpless. Lost. Unable to move forward and unable to go back. Terrified. It was that reality of my life which I was desperately trying to avoid for last few years. For obvious reason - it was no fun! It was composed of some powerful emotions and I did not know how to cope with them.  These feelings were intense and unknown. Disappointment. Sadness. Anger. Resentment (mostly self-resentment). Sense of injustice and loss. Worry. Anxiety. I was past that stage where Calvin philosophy worked beautifully!! 

-Life's disappointments are harder to take when you don't know any swear words.

Yes, I had finally started grieving for the divorce. I had not done it before. Or at least not properly. Instead of facing my feelings about it, I had gone into the ritualistic mode:

1 year separation = I have accepted the reality.

2 year mark = Am almost over it. Got new friends, got new hobbies. Let's start dating.

Papers signed = I am totally out of it. 

Vacation in Alps = Yay! I am ready to move on.

Yes, physical milestones were important but in no way were they close to my emotional milestones. Or maybe they were - I will never know ..but I did not even make the attempt because I was too afraid.

For last few years, I had a constant dim feeling that there was a raging tsunami inside me and I was holding it with my one hand. I kept ignoring it because I was too sacred to let go of that hand. I thought as days pass, it will go away or lessen in strength.** So when all my "rituals" for "getting over divorce" were over, I declared that the tsunami was gone and started pushing myself (as you can see from the last post).

That is when it happened. One day I woke up and found myself engulfed in the roaring sea of emotions. Mostly painful. So much so that they numbed me. I resisted at first but the way things unfolded, I couldn't do anything but just lie down and let them pass through me - one after the other. I was extremely fatigued. Was I able to breathe? Barely. But nothing more. Some of you know this part of the story. Because you took care of me. Confidently and lovingly. Without any questions, without any doubts. 

Then for the first time in my life - I did something I had never done before. I let go. I accepted the defeat and surrendered. Mind you, I have run away from things, I have given up on things (Physics in 12th std :)). But this was different. It was a complete acceptance of what was happening.

I took time off from work and stayed with my friends. Now I had plenty of time to look at that fog. Explore it and experience it. So I did. Honestly. Whole-heartedly. I stayed with those feelings. Accepted them as my own. Showed them the light of the day by talking about them and finally one after the other, I released them. I learned that "me with myself" is not such a bad thing. Agree that there are things in me that make me extremely uncomfortable and make me want to scream/cry/run away/hide/slap..but then there are other equally powerful things that invoke kindness/gentleness/love/light-hearted laughter/detachment/self-control/courage. You see, the second list is much longer. So it can't be so bad!***  

Some of you were with me during that time. If it wasn't for the love, support and faith from my friends and family, I wouldn't have been able to get up from that place - ever.  During this journey, couple of people in particular helped me immensely in sorting out the fog objectively. They put structure around the wild sea of thoughts. Mainly because they had the expertise/authority to give right tools to help me AND most importantly, I trusted them completely.   

So, what about my quest for understanding relationships?

Lesson 1: If I don't have a healthy, open relationship with myself, I cannot have it with anyone else.

 -  Complete self-acceptance (including the waistline!) is the key to having a healthy relationship with myself.

- Tears are good. They are a sign of forgiveness and hope. 
- Ask for help and you will see how wonderful people around you are.

What about the prince charming?
I can go into a philosophical rant about how you don't need anyone to make you complete once you start feeling complete in yourself. But that won't be completely true. Slowly the doors of my heart have started opening and I am able to let other people in - after careful scrutiny of course.
But I truly believe in following Coelho quotes:

- “It's the possibility of having a dream come true that makes life interesting.”

- “And, when you want something, all the universe conspires in helping you to achieve it.”

Sometimes, one just needs to let go of the steering wheel and let the God drive.

END.

* read thoughtless-careless-stubborn-impatient

** Some fav Paulo Coelho, Alchemist summarize this aptly:

- “Tell your heart that the fear of suffering is worse than the suffering itself. And that no heart has ever suffered when it goes in search of its dreams, because every second of the search is a second's encounter with God and with eternity.”

- “Don't give in to your fears. If you do, you won't be able to talk to your heart.”

***  I like to think of it as a move toward becoming Hobbes from Calvin! When a 'difficult'  feeling rises up, instead of first resisting it, I am learning to let it come out and try to see where it is coming from and why. Sometimes I need to 'unveil' it to see the 'true' feeling underneath. I will not say it is easy, but it is worth it! I feel so clean from inside. And strong from outside. Still a little weary but getting used to new mode of operating.

No "Arranged Marriage" - Yet.

Few days ago when I solicited your comments on "Arranged Marriage" (A-M), I thought I was ready to go - to answer those questions I posed. Especially after I read so many thoughtful, practical, and balanced yet passionate comments from you all. Since then, I had been thinking and thinking. But the doors of my heart are refusing to open - acting like a stubborn, unreasonable 2-year old. I tried so hard but no answer.

So I am going to rant about my frustrations and insights here. I am strongly reminded of what my very-spiritual-friend said to me once "how can u jump classes when you don't know what's been taught in the intermediate class? no….you have to spend time in that class…"

So, I had been trying hard to find ways of balancing L/B and D, compassionate and passionate love (discussed in previous posts) in my head. They largely involve blessings from family, mutual understanding (more like being on the same page about life's present and future) and similarity of background/common interests - in no particular order of importance as is evident from your comments on A-M post. But besides checking off some obvious boxes about looks, education etc I wasn't able to go very far. I mean, how do you really "connect" with someone? "We just clicked" usually leads to short-term encounters I described earlier and that is NOT what I wanted.

Anyway.

I did precisely the thing that I always do in such situations. I said to myself - screw it. I don't know what to do but unless I go in there and try, how will I ever know? I can't just wait around. So I disciplined myself, got my act together and went on to follow the parvasi bharatiya* A-M track (you-know-what-that-is) with the blessings of my closed ones. All right then. I will just meet people and I will know.  As Shital had mentioned, "just clicking" has to be "built".  As strange as it sounds, that is the only way. She put it very neatly: " It now becomes a Q of making it work -  as you may not be in love at that time with your partner, but also to some extent, an identity crisis on your part because you are going to spend the rest of your life with someone who you have met only afew times"...Well, what she forgot to mention is that - it is not as easy as it sounds!! The part I ignored here is the one that came back to bite me badly. Identity crisis on your part. Why didn't you put red flags around it, S?

My beautiful theory: I will meet people and I will know fell flat on the face. It Doesn't Work That Way. If you enter this process with such foggy head, all you will get is a headache and migraine. Ulcers too. As we were checking out profile after profile all looking similar (reading, hiking, workouts, eastern+western values), I got more and more confused. Then I started surveying my loved ones: What kind of a guy I should go far? How do you see me living in future? How will you describe me as a person? What do you think I like more - career or family? etc ** As you can guess, I was getting a variety of answers for these questions and the fog in my head was just getting thicker and thicker. Still I continued.

But yesterday I got my answer from one smart cousin: Only you can know what kind of guy you want. When I asked, how will I ever know that realistically (i.e. not George Clooney), he said something that blasted through the fog in my head: you just need to find yourself and then you will figure out everything else..

It just freaking makes so much freaking sense. I mean, how long can I live with the fantasy that my Prince Charming will come and take all my problems/confusions away? And what are the chances that he is waiting for me on xyz-matrimony.com?? Seriously!!


*read NRI
**yup, this is what I have been up to lately - so feel blessed if you are not one of those getting surveyed. Also, I strongly suspect that S's moving to Seattle has something to do with this..

It is a cliche..but the beginning of a life-long romance is starting to love yourself.

Love Quiz

Yet another smart psychologist named Elaine Hatfield talks about two basic types of romantic love  -Compassionate Love vs Passionate Love*. It is very much in line with my earlier explorations of psychology of love (Missing In Action), albeit clearer. According to her, while compassionate love is characterized by mutual respect, attachment and trust, passionate love is characterized by intense emotions, sexual attraction and anxiety. She says three factors influence love - timing (being ready or not), early attachment styles (emotional security in life through previous romances and other relationships) and similarity (to ourselves - personality, style of living etc). She further suggests that passionate love is transitory and compassionate love is more enduring. Intimacy or affection, of course is always there in any type of love. Third type of love, consummate love is a combination of passion and commitment; strongest, most enduring and rare (LB+D).

I must say, I am blown away by the neatness and clarity of thoughts here.

So going back to my story. 

My existence is marked by the seesaw of emotions around romance - desperate longings (of soul) and desperate fears (of mind). Any of them can easily put my nervous system into top gear and get it roaring. Obviously in very different ways (panic is one of my least favourites)!!  Balancing that seesaw is not easy because it is - Me vs Me. And there is really only way to do it. To get close to the center as much as possible.

Passionate love has fulfilled the longings of my soul, no doubt! but almost always it was followed by anxieties and despair, and changed my life path completely.  It reminds me of one of the most sensible Coelho quote: "Yes, perhaps love really could transform someone, but despair did the job more quickly."** Despair is one of  the most important of human emotions (I would rank it just below love). In whatever the situation (relationships, career, health), when despair enters, it creates this sense of urgency. As if we are losing the sand beneath our feet and we end up taking decisions thoughtlessly and in haste. Sometimes good, most times bad. In either case, nerve-wrecking. So, these days (which are filled with anxiety and intensity), I try to ask myself this question before every action - Why am I doing this? In particular, am I doing this out of despair? Or do I really want it? Anyway.  If you are thinking, ' Aha P, you have got it all under control.', think again.

So, here is the Love Quiz.

Q1. Have you seen passionate love blossom into compassionate love? i.e. do fairy tales come true?

Q2. I think despair cannot always be a bad thing because it propels you into action, to change the status quo that is no longer working. Aye or Nay?

Q3. (For extra credit) Will you go for passionate love or compassionate love?  Why or Why not? Please answer it honestly irrespective of your current marital status :-D




*http://psychology.about.com/od/loveandattraction/a/theoriesoflove.htm
http://psychology.about.com/od/loveandattraction/a/compassionate.htm

**"Despite her apparent freedom, her life consisted of endless hours spent waiting for a miracle, for true love, for an adventure with the same romantic ending she had seen in films and read about in books.  A writer once said that it is not time that changes a man, nor knowledge; the only thing that can change someone’s mind is love.  What nonsense!  The person who wrote that clearly knew only one side of the coin.  Love was undoubtedly one of the things capable of changing a person’s whole life, from one moment to the next.  But there was the other side of the coin, the second thing that could make a human being take a totally different course from the one he or she had planned; and that was called despair.  Yes, perhaps love really could transform someone, but despair did the job more quickly.” 

I feel that every woman should read 11 Minutes by Paulo Coelho (free online). Although it has mixed reviews for various reasons (and I agree, shoddy story), it is a powerful attempt at exploring desire, sex and spiritual union. I love Maria for her strength and honesty.

Jupiter represents spiritual and emotional creativity of Divine Wisdom. The Lila (the play) - acting, emoting, imagining. It creates polarities and makes them play. The plays of hope, love, anguish, seduction, separation and finally the union.

You have already played all the parts, put on various costumes, enjoyed being a thief, a peasant, a princess, a king, a seductress and all that.

You are the Director now. A successful one, who has been directing many hit shows. All the while dreaming up a grand role, creating the ultimate production which has it all - love, lust, name, fame, relationships, hardships, successes, failures, the fire, the wind, the romance, the tinge of melancholy, boredom, loneliness, enthusiasm, loneliness hidden under enthusiasm, humor, longing, desire, extravagant costumes and sets, and the most outrageous characters of all - from kings to monks. You have put in all that you had into it. Your blood, your life, your love, your passion. You gave it your best, you gave it your all and now your job is done. The grand finale is up. You are watching it from your chair. A perfection reached in every single detail. Moments unfolding one after the other. You are sitting and enjoying, not interfering.

Now, for how long can this playing go on without the creative urge transforming into insanities of life?
You are so engrossed watching the perfection you created that You forget that it is all a drama.

It is funny! Ridiculously funny.

Scenario 1:
You just forget that it is a play and you fall in love with one of the characters in it. For real. And you fall hard - head over heels and all that. Your heart pining, seeing Her everywhere etc etc.
Now are you miserable. You want Him/Her. You cannot live, you cannot die. You are just suffering, going insane. Running wild here and there. Conspiring ways to win Her. At any cost, you want Her.

Scenario 2:
You just forget that it is a play and you become afraid. You are scared to death of one of the characters in it. For real. You think He is after you, he wants to kill you.
Now are you miserable. You are just petrified, going insane. Hiding here and there. You want Him/Her to go away and leave you alone.

...so on.


hahahahaha. Ludicrous! Absurd! Wicked!

Why are You miserable? Why are you running, hiding, crying and emoting again?
Remember. You are the Director and this is your Ultimate Show. Everything In It Is Perfect Because It Is Your Very Best Creation!

Retract. Recollect. Detach. Chill. 

This is your last creation. When the show ends, the Director ends. The tremors and the applauds end. The polarities end.

Only the Silence remains, the Love remains.

Missing (in) Action

This was my Love Horoscope today: "The current aspect at play promises both action and depth of feeling, but not both at the same time. You will enjoy the action part, but when it comes to sharing your feelings, there could be some ambivalence. You dislike this kind of scenario, because it has the potential to make you feel trapped into something that you are still uncertain about. Perhaps it's time to grow up."

Action and depth of feeling, but not both at the same time.  It seems to be a recurring theme of my life.

Action is, well, action. All of it from start to end. Walk by the beach, dinner and movie, gift and surprises, endless talks, kisses and hugs, passionate love-making. Marriage, kids. Depth of meaning, I don't quite know how to describe it but we all know what it is. Deep understanding. Of each other, of the world, of us in relation to the world, of world in relation to us. Understanding of me and you.  Understanding of you and me. Understanding of Love. True Love.*

Love is also quantitative in a way. You can measure its length (L), breadth (B) and depth (D). Length by time of involvement and breadth by range of activities and emotions. Success of your relationship is defined by these. More length and breadth your love relationship has, more perfect it is. ...But Depth is a whole different dimension. It wipes out length and breadth. Depth can be felt in few minutes and even when there is no possibility of breadth, it remains. Depth always remains as long as you don't screw it up by forcibly trying to add on L/B.

So, to combine above two terminologies: Action corresponds to L/B; Depth of feeling/Understanding corresponds to D.

Ideal relationship would have both - action and depth of meaning, i.e. LBD. Jisme se ruh tak style!**

But, action and depth of feeling are yet to match in my life. Whenever there was action with L/B, D was missing. D happened a few times but got screwed up by me/us trying to force L/B to it. It was just not meant to be. Just a few days ago I met someone. The moment we looked into each others eyes, we knew. We knew it was going to be a short-lived love-story. And so it was. ***

So, what I am trying to say is that the action in my life is very attractive to the spontaneous explorer in me and although it will probably stay that way as long as I live, something else is arising from inside of me which is much stronger. The search for meaning, the search for understanding. Although it is ruining all the fun, I don't mind it. In fact, I am finding it irresistible and will likely marry it.




* PolyamorousPoet on twitter says it with all the passion and devotion:
- When you love you start to hallucinate about distances and ideas.
- Loving yourself is a myth, it is impossible to love yourself, you can only love your beloved, you can only give yourself away.
- To love is to hand over the self to the powers within the finest grains of the self.
- When you love there is nothing that you can do but wait and wait for your beloved to make an appearance.
Follow him!

** Jisme se ruha tak = from body to soul

*** Was it just an infatuation? It was part of it, most certainly. But when it hits you at the soul level like this, you have two options - do you want to keep it there as a burning flame or do you want to apply it as a soothing balm?  Keeping it alive requires fuel and causes soot. But feels warm and looks breathtakingly beautiful. Applying it as a balm requires nothing and it heals. Also makes you smile when you think of it.