Finding myself..

(Warning: Introspective content!)

Last time when I talked to you about the 'quest for understanding relationships', I left it at this:

you just need to find yourself and then you will figure out everything else..

It was over 6 months ago. The doors of my heart were tightly closed then, and my head was full of fog.  Unbreakable and impenetrable.  However, instead of realizing the gravity of situation and being patient about it, I went about it in my then-classic red-blooded* way. With straight head, I walked into the fog. With warm fist, I started pounding on the door incessantly.

Result?

You don't need a very creative mind to guess.

I broke down and fell flat on my face. I lost the ground beneath completely and started drowning in the fog. It was frightening. I tried to fight it with all my might. But soon, I realized that it was something way beyond my power. There was no way I could take it on by myself. I was in it and that was it. Helpless. Lost. Unable to move forward and unable to go back. Terrified. It was that reality of my life which I was desperately trying to avoid for last few years. For obvious reason - it was no fun! It was composed of some powerful emotions and I did not know how to cope with them.  These feelings were intense and unknown. Disappointment. Sadness. Anger. Resentment (mostly self-resentment). Sense of injustice and loss. Worry. Anxiety. I was past that stage where Calvin philosophy worked beautifully!! 

-Life's disappointments are harder to take when you don't know any swear words.

Yes, I had finally started grieving for the divorce. I had not done it before. Or at least not properly. Instead of facing my feelings about it, I had gone into the ritualistic mode:

1 year separation = I have accepted the reality.

2 year mark = Am almost over it. Got new friends, got new hobbies. Let's start dating.

Papers signed = I am totally out of it. 

Vacation in Alps = Yay! I am ready to move on.

Yes, physical milestones were important but in no way were they close to my emotional milestones. Or maybe they were - I will never know ..but I did not even make the attempt because I was too afraid.

For last few years, I had a constant dim feeling that there was a raging tsunami inside me and I was holding it with my one hand. I kept ignoring it because I was too sacred to let go of that hand. I thought as days pass, it will go away or lessen in strength.** So when all my "rituals" for "getting over divorce" were over, I declared that the tsunami was gone and started pushing myself (as you can see from the last post).

That is when it happened. One day I woke up and found myself engulfed in the roaring sea of emotions. Mostly painful. So much so that they numbed me. I resisted at first but the way things unfolded, I couldn't do anything but just lie down and let them pass through me - one after the other. I was extremely fatigued. Was I able to breathe? Barely. But nothing more. Some of you know this part of the story. Because you took care of me. Confidently and lovingly. Without any questions, without any doubts. 

Then for the first time in my life - I did something I had never done before. I let go. I accepted the defeat and surrendered. Mind you, I have run away from things, I have given up on things (Physics in 12th std :)). But this was different. It was a complete acceptance of what was happening.

I took time off from work and stayed with my friends. Now I had plenty of time to look at that fog. Explore it and experience it. So I did. Honestly. Whole-heartedly. I stayed with those feelings. Accepted them as my own. Showed them the light of the day by talking about them and finally one after the other, I released them. I learned that "me with myself" is not such a bad thing. Agree that there are things in me that make me extremely uncomfortable and make me want to scream/cry/run away/hide/slap..but then there are other equally powerful things that invoke kindness/gentleness/love/light-hearted laughter/detachment/self-control/courage. You see, the second list is much longer. So it can't be so bad!***  

Some of you were with me during that time. If it wasn't for the love, support and faith from my friends and family, I wouldn't have been able to get up from that place - ever.  During this journey, couple of people in particular helped me immensely in sorting out the fog objectively. They put structure around the wild sea of thoughts. Mainly because they had the expertise/authority to give right tools to help me AND most importantly, I trusted them completely.   

So, what about my quest for understanding relationships?

Lesson 1: If I don't have a healthy, open relationship with myself, I cannot have it with anyone else.

 -  Complete self-acceptance (including the waistline!) is the key to having a healthy relationship with myself.

- Tears are good. They are a sign of forgiveness and hope. 
- Ask for help and you will see how wonderful people around you are.

What about the prince charming?
I can go into a philosophical rant about how you don't need anyone to make you complete once you start feeling complete in yourself. But that won't be completely true. Slowly the doors of my heart have started opening and I am able to let other people in - after careful scrutiny of course.
But I truly believe in following Coelho quotes:

- “It's the possibility of having a dream come true that makes life interesting.”

- “And, when you want something, all the universe conspires in helping you to achieve it.”

Sometimes, one just needs to let go of the steering wheel and let the God drive.

END.

* read thoughtless-careless-stubborn-impatient

** Some fav Paulo Coelho, Alchemist summarize this aptly:

- “Tell your heart that the fear of suffering is worse than the suffering itself. And that no heart has ever suffered when it goes in search of its dreams, because every second of the search is a second's encounter with God and with eternity.”

- “Don't give in to your fears. If you do, you won't be able to talk to your heart.”

***  I like to think of it as a move toward becoming Hobbes from Calvin! When a 'difficult'  feeling rises up, instead of first resisting it, I am learning to let it come out and try to see where it is coming from and why. Sometimes I need to 'unveil' it to see the 'true' feeling underneath. I will not say it is easy, but it is worth it! I feel so clean from inside. And strong from outside. Still a little weary but getting used to new mode of operating.