Love Addiction*

Sometimes I feel that I am completely addicted to the Concept of Love.  I am 'in love' with love! As far back as I can remember, I have been in love. With someone or something. Probably some childhood coping mechanism to escape from the boring school and homework. Even now, I am always escaping into a fairyland where my shining Prince Charming comes on a handsome white horse and rescues me - the eternal damsel in distress. Nothing out of the ordinary, a standard fantasy of countless girly girls. Nonetheless, I often wonder - why love? Why not something else like monsters or bunnies or ...whatever? It bothers me. A lot. Because in my regular life I am an independent, intellectual, feminist type and am quite happy with that. No place for a hopeless, logic-less romantic there.  Yet I cannot reconcile my fantasy with my reality. And in my heart, I am constantly looking for an object to get devoted to.

So bipolar!

Anyway.

It is not such a bad thing. This love addiction. Rather quite enlivening. Anywhere, anytime I can turn the imagination switch on and start coloring. For example, I am at a train station/airport and he shows up DDLJ** style! Or I am walking by the bay and this tall perfect handsome stranger comes straight to me, looks in my eyes soulfully and says "It's you!". That's it. Simple. I can command its "high" at my will without any substance aid. Anywhere, anytime.

Do you see the beauty of this fantasy? No, not the pink kind. The smart kind.

--It is goddamn vague!  I can never hold it down with my hands. I can never pinpoint at it. Just like all other fantasies, it is there to validate my fears and protect my laziness. After all, real relationships are hard work. More on that later.

* Addiction to something happens when the circumstances in life go beyond our coping capacity.  In most cases, it is a substitute for attention, care and love.  Addiction is essentially an obsessive behavior triggered by brain's reward/memory system. A glass of wine, makes me feel divine! sort of a thing. Food, drugs, alcohol, nicotine, sex, internet are some well-known forms but it can take many other forms. Behavioral addiction, as defined by wiki, is a recurring compulsion condition where a person engages in a specific activity despite harmful consequences to his health, mental state, or social life. Examples include gambling, food, sex, pornography, computers, video games, internet, work, exercise, spiritual obsession (as opposed to religious devotion), pain, cutting and shopping (I say, leave shopping out of this!!!).

** DDLJ -Dilwale Dulhania Le Jayenge, http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Dilwale_Dulhania_Le_Jayenge